Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
