I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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