After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
