enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
