I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
