Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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