Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
