Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he thought i was a dude.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
