epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
