I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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