Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
