I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize