apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
