I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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