This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize