Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
