I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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