it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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