Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i think my cat just said my name.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
