I got chris browned last night
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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