cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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