well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
