I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
