There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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