I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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