I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
