I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
