I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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