I hate your face
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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