when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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