Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I stole a fireplace last night.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
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