i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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