I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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