I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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