i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
