matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
