You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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