This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
