I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Last time i carry you out of a forest
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
