i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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