I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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