So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
