Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
