We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
