oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he puts the penis in happiness.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize