I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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