did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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