if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
