I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
