God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
