im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
