We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize