I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
