I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he was CRYING into my vagina
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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