I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Randomize
