I just cut my nipple shaving
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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