1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think my fart just growled at me.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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