My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
