Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
