I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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