mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
