I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
