i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
please don't ironically join a cult
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