I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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