life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Actions speak louder than pants.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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