You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
