if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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