Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
